Heartbreak is a form of grief that can affect both mental and physical health. Research suggests that social support and distraction can help people recover, while monitoring an ex-partner on social media may prolong emotional distress.
A relationship breakup can feel like losing more than a partner. Shared routines, favourite places and mutual friends can all be part of the life that disappears when a relationship ends.
“You are rejected. You have become as small as a lost little gnome without a hat,” Dutch writers Susan Smit and Marion Pauw write in their book Hotel Hartzeer, describing the blow a breakup can deal to a person’s self-esteem.
Janneke Schokkenbroek, a relationship researcher at Erasmus University Rotterdam and author of Appily Ever After, says this loss can disrupt a person’s sense of identity. Couples develop shared habits and preferences, she explains, and often have a common circle of friends. When the relationship ends, part of the life they built together disappears with it.
Why heartbreak can cause physical symptoms
Heartbreak is not simply an emotional experience. In severe cases, the stress associated with rejection and loss can affect physical health, sometimes even causing disturbances in heart function.
Research into social rejection has found that it activates some of the same brain regions involved in physical pain. Psychologist Freddy van der Veen, who studies heartbreak at Erasmus University Rotterdam, says this overlap may help explain why emotional rejection can feel physically painful.
Van der Veen has also studied how people respond to romantic rejection through dating apps. Researchers expected rejection to trigger a stress response, potentially raising the heart rate. Instead, participants’ heart rates slowed.
He suggests that this may reflect a brief freezing response, accompanied by reduced movement, as the brain processes the rejection. The experiment involved rejection from strangers, however, rather than the loss of a long-term partner, which can carry far greater emotional consequences.
Some research has also suggested that paracetamol may reduce social pain as well as physical pain. However, the evidence is limited, and the findings do not establish it as a treatment for heartbreak.
People often overestimate how long they will suffer
The intensity and duration of heartbreak depend on several factors, including whether the breakup was sudden, how much choice a person had in the decision, and how closely the partners’ lives were intertwined through a home, children or shared responsibilities.
Individual vulnerability matters, too. Someone who is already struggling with their mental health may respond differently to a breakup from someone who feels more emotionally secure.
Yet people may also be poor at predicting how devastated they will feel after a relationship ends.
In one study, researchers followed 69 students who were in romantic relationships over nine months. Participants were asked every two weeks how unhappy they expected to feel if their relationship ended. Of the group, 26 experienced a breakup during the study.
The participants had generally predicted that they would feel worse than they later reported feeling.
Schokkenbroek cautions that the study was small, but says its longer follow-up offers a useful insight into how people anticipate emotional pain.
Finding the balance between distraction and reflection
Recovering from heartbreak does not mean ignoring the pain. Nor does it mean dwelling on it constantly.
Schokkenbroek describes the process using a metaphor introduced by her own psychologist: paddling a canoe. Paddling to the right represents seeking distraction, while paddling to the left means sitting with difficult emotions.
Too much distraction can become a way of avoiding grief, while too much rumination can make it harder to move forward. Recovery involves finding a balance between the two.
That might mean meeting friends for a drink one evening and taking time to talk honestly about the breakup the next.
One habit that may be worth avoiding is keeping close tabs on an ex-partner through social media. Research has linked monitoring an ex online with greater sadness, jealousy and emotional discomfort.
Unfollowing an ex can therefore be a useful step in creating distance and allowing the breakup to be processed without a constant stream of reminders.
Why your social circle matters
Support from friends and family can make a meaningful difference. Research in Germany into the effects of social support found that people who were more satisfied with their social networks experienced less sadness and anger following a breakup.
Social contact provides distraction during difficult periods, but its benefits may go deeper. Having people around who know and value you independently of your former partner can help protect your sense of identity when a relationship ends.
The aim is not to erase the past, but to rebuild a life beyond it.
In the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, characters explore the possibility of erasing memories of a failed relationship. For some people, forgetting the painful parts might seem appealing. But philosopher Jan Drost, author of Als de liefde voorbij is (When love is over), argues that happy memories should not be discarded simply because the relationship ended.
He encourages people to cherish those moments without becoming trapped in them.
Heartbreak, he argues, is also evidence of the capacity to love. Protecting yourself from ever being hurt again may seem tempting, but withdrawing from relationships entirely risks losing something fundamental to human life.
Taking time to heal matters. So does reconnecting with other people. A little ice cream and Netflix may help you through a difficult evening, but rebuilding your social connections can help you find your footing again.
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